7 things you shouldn’t do when confronting a cheater

Catching your partner in the act of infidelity is a crushing blow, and one that’s not easy to get over.

It’s only natural to want to seek revenge, to blame yourself, or even to just pretend like nothing happened. But none of these things are going to help you in the long run.

To make sure you confront a cheater in the healthiest way possible, be sure to avoid the worst things you can do if you catch your partner cheating.

Here are 7 things you shouldn’t do when confronting a cheater:

1. Reacting immediately
The moment you find out your partner has been cheating, you’ll likely be filled with rage. But that’s not going to help you communicate.

The worst thing you can do if you catch your partner cheating is come at them with rage and clouded with your emotions. To steer clear of this, before the confrontation, you need to take time and map it out. The more prepared you are, the better it will go. It’s important to go into this level-headed; the last thing you want is for it to blow up in your face more than it already has.

2. Asking for all the details
When someone violates a monogamy agreement, there is often a strong desire to know every detail of the transgression. How did they first meet? How much did she press into his lips when they kissed?

Details just make everything more vivid and distressing. Next time you will wonder how they had sex when it was so dark there. Your curiosity is bound to get the better of you.

3. Blaming yourself
There is perhaps no instance when you feel less in control than when you find out your partner has betrayed your trust, which is why you might turn the blame on yourself.

Following traumas, we tend to blame ourselves for the event as a way to gain a sense of control. However, that’s a defensive response and one that’s based on incomplete, if not inaccurate, information. This might help us feel empowered in the short-term, but this assumption isn’t helpful in the long-term.

4. Comparing yourself to the other person
Again, this is a natural response, but it’s one you have to resist in order to cope with the problem at hand. Comparing yourself to the person your partner cheated with will only make you feel worse. It is unproductive and would only serve to bring your mood down further.

5. Engaging in denial
It might be hard for some to believe, but turning a blind eye to an affair is a common response. It’s also, however, a dangerous one.

It’s already bad that you know your partner’s cheating on you. What’s worse is when you’ve already caught him in the act and you don’t call him out for it just because you love him so much, and you don’t want to lose him.

6. Posting about it on social media
Social media has become a part of our everyday lives. But even if you’re someone who posts personal information on Facebook or Instagram regularly, resist the urge when it comes to something like an affair.

While you might want the whole world to know that your partner is not who you thought they were, one of the worst things that you can do when you catch your partner cheating is post it on social media.

7. Offering instant forgiveness
Because catching your partner in an affair can be so earth-shattering, the person who has been betrayed often just wants to “get back to ‘normal’ as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately when a person does not take time out to process what has happened, they may be offering forgiveness while being unable to forgive. As time goes on, they discover no matter how much contrition their partner shows or effort they make to be transparent to earn their trust, it’s not enough.